I want to talk a bit about being bullied, feeling alone and how that can affect you. Seems when you are in the middle of it all you feel as though you are the only one who has ever been there and that you'll never get out alive. That sense of despair can be overwhelming. I remember it well. As a kid I was bullied severely after my family moved to a new town. I was so ashamed by it all that I never told my parents or my friends till much later in life. It was a daily agony, that sense of fear and it was so debilitating that my usual A+ grade point average plummeted to an all time low (that also was due to some terrible teachers as well at that time). I learned how to dummy down and avoid being noticed. I made some bad choices. Nobody liked a smart kid. Especially dumb ass bullies like the ones from my new school who hung around in small gangs and preyed on anyone who just happened to look wrong to them. When you're 11 or 12 and three guys a year or two older than you surround you (you see, these losers had already failed more than one year of school by that time) and tell you they're gonna kill you after school, well, you just believe them. You learn to run and hide from what seems like impossible odds and all the while you hate yourself for not standing up to them. This is the genesis of self loathing that can follow you into your adult life and hurts your adult choices if you're not careful.
For me I had music. It literally saved me. I was discovering my new talent and I practiced with a vengance born out of personal humiliation. Funnily enough, all my real friends at that time were a little older (fortunately, so too were the girls that hung around which ultimately, turned out to be real good thing, but that's another story...) and we were playing in bands together but they were all already in high school and lived a different life from 8:45am till 3:20pm. So there I was, in this weird temporary position of schoolyard prey by day and fledgling, junior rock star by night. It wasn't till a few years later and I finally got into high school myself that all the bullying stopped for me (not to mention the fact that I shot up to 6'2" over that summer. Funny how size matters.) The ones that hadn't quit school at 16 to work in the textile factory for $1.25 an hour went straight to the special bus and were never seen or heard from again. Those poor bastards. It wasn't till I became a bit older and figured out that "Shit Flows Downhill" theory. They were probably getting the crap beat out of them everynight at home and were taking it out on me during the day. It wasn't me. I was just a generic punching bag for their frustrations and anger. I hope they got some therapy along the way and got it together. Wait, that's a lie. The truth is I hope they're still making the minimum wage and are living a miserable life somewhere...(supposed to be funny).
What I am saying to you my friend, is that you are not alone here and you need to reach out and connect to the ones who love you now. Talk. Identify your passion and persue it faithfully. Give yourself a break. You can't figure this one out on your own. Everyone has obstacles to overcome in life and you can, with good and loving help, overcome any of your problems. Just don't try to do it alone. We need family and friends and don't worry, they will love you and support you through it all. It is worth the effort. Trust me on this...J.